I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
