fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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