Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
