Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
