her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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