I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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