then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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