My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
