What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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