He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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