Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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