I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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