Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
