ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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