If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
