im six kinds of drunk right now
this boner is exhausting
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
