just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
