I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Welp...herpes.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
