We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
