went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
