I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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