I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
