it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
