1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
