I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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