oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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