I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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