can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
