i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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