I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
