Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
