he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
