Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
