I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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