false alarm. still invincible.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
