I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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