And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
