Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
