I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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