Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
