I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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