He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
