hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
