I feel great
I just peed on a car
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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