I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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