I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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