I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
