True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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