ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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