my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
