Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
