Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
