He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
