I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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