Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
