I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
