I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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