you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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