I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
