just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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