She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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